Childhood thoughts

Being a grown up isn't as easy as I thought it would be. When I was a child I knew that when I grew up, I would know everything just like grown ups do. No matter what they said or did, we idolized it. Looking back, the problems and concerns I had as a child seem so miniscule. I use to be afraid of a monster under my bed, even still I have to keep my feet covered at night. Our concerns as children are just as important as when we are adults, they help decide what kind of people we will be as we face life.

The Black Dog

Over the last month, I've lost everything. We'll skip the details, cause I've wallowed in it long enough. Time to move on. To start over. Again. I've found it hard to seek out what still inspires me, what motivates me. It seems like nothing anymore. I've had to take a deep look at myself. Patrick Ellverton seems to know what I'm talking about, the black dog. Mission: Tame it!

Walking Backwards

No matter how much you think you know about life, how much you've seen or done, there's always an unexpected surprise around the corner. I've decided to live my life, to do everything I possibly can with it.

If you haven't heard, Murphy has been following me around, making sure I abide by his laws. Over the last month I've had my apple laptop and digital SLR camera stolen. I've discovered I don't know anything about the people I lived with, and all of a sudden my life changed... From the night of the theft,  I no longer lived in that home, and ended up changing jobs. I guess I'm still partially un-employed. I've been so frazzled I left my ipod in a restroom, and got later lost two blocks from home. I must have been on some other planet, cause I ended up crossing the street four times, and walked backwards two blocks from where I started.

...   Life's confusing.

Relativity

We often wish we had what others did, something bigger, better or different. Even those who have the biggest and the best though, want something more. That's life. The trick is, wanting what you've got. I miss home like I never would've imagined. I've got everything I could have hoped for here in New Zealand, except for them. I miss you guys. I talk to friends and family, and they all wish to be traveling and doing what I do, funny that.

I'd love to give you a bit more wisdom... I guess we all have our worries, our problems, no matter the size or day. It's all relative.

Quilt of Memories

Today it finally hit me, my friend Berned is going home to Germany. After two and a half years in New Zealand, we've shared so many memories, so many friends, our dear friend Paula- Our crabby old pink Mitsubishi Mirage. I've kept the key to her, and will never forget when Berned and I took her out for one last go at the beach.

Let's just say, anything you've ever wanted to do to a car, we did it to her! Drove her into the ocean, pulled the e-break at full speed, zooming down the beach, launched er off the dunes, opened beer bottles with the seat belts (of course we weren't driving).

Paula was how I really got to know Berned, a co-owned car with first German guy I've ever met. So excessively "German," I learned to simply cut out any explanation, nicknaming him "The German." We'll maybe being excessively stereotypical isn't quite fair for explanatory purposes, but it made him very difficult to get along with. His bizarre behaviors, complaining, quick explanations, and laughter held under stern glare took some getting use to. I've grown to love his humor, especially when other people can't tell when he is or isn't serious, and poking out a smile whenever possible. I've come to really appreciate him for who he is, and love his crazy personality, a best friend.

Despite a wild going away party involving mulled wine and burning sugary liquor... it hadn't hit me that he was leaving until tonight. I can never refuse the offer of cheap stuff from an international leaving the country. I've come to find myself showered in the memories these international students shared with New Zealand and our friends here, through the items they leave behind.

I bought a car this week that has likely seen more of these island roads than I have, and the maps I'm given are well worn. Marked up with the exciting destinations that will now be the digital photos shared with our future families. Many of my clothes, furniture, and tools have had many owners and put to good use. We take care of the things we have, and pre-loved items share their adventures with me. when I look at the items all around me, they all have a history, and remind me of the incredible journey we are on.

I face many fears, of being alone, or forgotten amongst the memories. This dream life is not over for me, its more than just an OE (Overseas Experience), it's my life. It's wonderful, and I'm so afraid of loosing it.

I'm being swept up in this giant quilt, ancient time lines of experience and knowledge. I can't help but wonder what challenge the future will bring. I'm cuddled up by a warm fire, wrapped in the wisdom of the world hoping I can make patches as beautiful as the ones around me.

I will miss my friend, but our memories live on in this beautiful time line quilt.

Riches

I spend so much time deciding, who am I? I can be anyone I want to be. Thats a lot of pressure, what if I mess up? What if I spend all my time trying to be someone I am not? Is that possible?

We are taught to respect money as the highest thrown. Until I understood this about, I was so good at getting it. I dream of being rich, being able to spend on anything I want. Thats just what money is though, something you can spend on anything you want, and thats what we do everyday. If you are buying something you don't want, STOP. What's the point? America IS one of the richest countries in the world, why do we think we need more money? It's funny, money itself drives us mad. Wanting so badly to want something else to spend on.

I had been fighting with the idea that I would focus my working career on making large amounts of money, and be able to change the world with it. It doesn't work that way, at least not for me. If your focus is on changing the world, start there, not with money. Pick the goal, and the tools will begin to appear to help you achieve it.


Why is it we so badly want money? To make us happy? Happiness is what we should find in our everyday lives, in the people we spend our time with, and the work we invest ourselves into. Our short lives are for us to live, to enjoy or hate, really that choice is up to each of us.

I've found my small budget in New Zealand limiting, and frightening. For such a small amount though, I volunteer my time in the outdoor pursuits I enjoy and in turn, pay nothing. The best parts of my life, money couldn't possibly buy. A supportive family, a loving boyfriend, a sunny day, and loving friends who always help each other.

I fear these are the riches I take for granted, as the wealthy do their money. I don't ever want to live a meaningless life, take anyone for granted, or be selfish or forgotten. I want to love and share freely, and to enjoy every day of my life.

These moments are the riches we spend our whole lives chasing, sometimes forgetting they can't be bought.

I think I know who I am, a hippie, a dreamer, who hopes to change the world.

Kathrine was deemed queen of Isla de Capri, an imaginary island made from water bottles, this pump bottle was the first piece : )

Who am I, Who are you?

If someone asks you, who are you? What would you say? You'll stop and try to analyze what it is that person really wants to hear. It's a big question you'll spend your while life trying to answer.

Of course we want strangers to think the best of us, unless of course you hope to never see them again.

Some people spend their whole lives trying to fit into mainstream society, to cover up mishaps and blemishes, but it is those very things that make us the people we are.

Who am I? I started thinking about that as I was staring at a manikin at work. I hate manakins, but I liked that one. I feel the same way about fire hydrants, either I love it or hate it (usually really like them). I've paraglided, surfed, climbed, but I'm afraid of balloons. You that moment when you're just waiting for it to pop! I love ramen noodles, the rain, and chinese market gardens. Clean Freak. Giving blood makes me black out. I travel. I am a perfectionist with ambition and drive. Love to fall asleep to good movies. Busy makes me happy.


I could go on for age about the quirkeyness we develop and prefer to call "finding ourselves..."

So Who are you?

 

This photo was taken at Boundary Stream Reserve on a volunteer trip with the Department of Conservation, New Zealand

Thinkin Out Loud

I think about my blog all the time, about what I want to write to you. I hope to say something inspiring or tell you about the adventures I've been on. Anyone can ramble on about one thing or another, and I try to focus the topics of my blog back to the journey I've put myself into.

Now I'll be honest, I'm lost. lol   No idea where I am, and slight confusion as to where I've been. My main goal was to come to New Zealand where I aspired to surf, climb, and make the most of my life.  I am in the place where I've been reborn.

As you would expect, upon my return things are different than I remember. The main difference being that I've Finally entered into the real world, away from academia and models of idealism. My head is filled with grandeur ideas and that I am meant to change the world. Here I am, now how do I change it? What am I suppose to change? Is it really my job to change it? Does it even need changing?

It's nice that I've come across the time to contemplate such things, I'm eager to do something! My flatmate who is an inspirational musician told me that if I'm passionate about something, than I should go for it, and I agree. The problem is that I'm passionate about life, and everything that makes it up! I can't spread myself too thin, but I can't concentrate myself so much that I'm blinded from the rest.

There are three areas of interest that I'm particularly motivated by: Leading Edge of Science especially to do with Wildlife, The Art of Expression- Photography and Communications, Business- the Art of Management and Entrepreneurship. It may sound like I've broken it down nicely, but these are three huge areas of interest that just begin to overlap.

Then I want to prioritize, what's most important to me?  Love, Work, Education, Friends, New Zealand, Family, Conservation, Fun, Traveling...? Just to name a few. It seems each drives me in a new direction. I could just let life happen around me, but I don't just want to go with the flow, I want to help decide where. By now you're probably thinking I think to much, lol... I shouldn't worry so much. It's important to me though. If I'm going to be passionate and put my efforts into something, I want to do it properly. I have the drive and energy to make a big difference in this world, and I want to be able to give back to the people who've helped me so much.

I think BIG.

My mom always tells me, it'll all work out. It does too. I want to make the most of my life.